Liqquorice - your statement...

so i guess my challenge would be to remain single until i find a woman that i can not only relate to, but still be myself in the process..

is brilliant.

folks listen up............

beachgrrl (coachsappho)

 

hey there peds_rn -

  this group is like many online communities.  and offline communities as well.  your best bet is to connect with women, who, like you, 'get it' that they need to have an 'openness' to looking beyond 'externals'.  we are a minority within a minority - it is challenging meeting other single lesbians who are only 20% of the lesbian community (research shows 80% of lesbians are 'coupled' as compared to 50% in the straight community).

you can't control others but, you can make a concerted effort to introduce yourself to other ladies on this list who seem interesting to you.  and, as you do so you will encounter rejection.  that's part of it all.  but, don't give up.  keep reaching out.  you WILL find folks to connect with on a more personal level.

beachgrrl (coachsappho)

thx for posting crusher.  you make many great observations.  glad to hear you are making friends in the online world and being cautious. 

 your comment about age and energy intrigued me.  do you consider yourself older or younger?  yes the heart reigns but in the real world often age is a challenge, esp. if there is more than, say, 5 years difference.

 do you have a story to share?

beachgrrl (coachsappho)

julietteandthelick - i want to thank you for posting - you are so right about our challenges.  perhaps tho, even bigger is the challenge of

overcoming these challenges in our own minds!

 that's right - similar to today's economic worries - do you find yourself getting paralyzed by the 'group think' or instead putting out your own positivity????

 where's your lesbian moving vans, btw???!!!????  

 

beachgrrl (coachsappho)

idk i think being a lesbain in and of itself is a challenge i mean, we're in this world full of straight with a handful of homophobes and haters thrown in and we really have no way to ID each other except for gay clubs and groups and the times you make yourself feel and look like a fool when we crush on a straight girl and dont know she's straight or is one of those "free spirit" or sexually fluid or some bull that's getting in the way of my lesbian moving vans, ha actually im not for the notorious second date moving van but i think you guys get what i'm saying right?  or am i alone on this one?

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I joined Olivia in May, I checked out the site for a couple of days and then said "what the heck"  and sent out about 15 "will you be my friend" emails.  Got a couple back, started conversations, I have met a couple of those I have connected with, dropped others after while for lack of communication and I hope I have made a few friends.  I continue to try and add people I feel would be fun to chat with.  Not necessarily looking for a girl friend or partner, although I am open to that if it evolves as such  Having not ever met anyone online, I think there are some inherent precautions to be taken.  Words are words, body language and kenetic energy can only be felt through actual physical proximity and often speak or say more than words ever could.  Emotional connections can happen, actually very easily, I have learned a great deal about myself and about the ups and downs of online communication.  The friends I have made and people I have met so far are wonderful. 

I am currently connecting on a regular basis with about 5 people all from within Olivia and from all over the country, along with some in different groups.  I think it is all about just checking out profiles and sending out messages.  Sure not everyone will reply, but if you don't at least say hello, how do they know you want to connect?   I don't think anyone can have too many friends...

I think there is a lot of wisdom to be learned by someone older, I think there is an energy to be regained by someone younger, I believe it is the heart, not the years that determine who rocks your world....

I am just curious here.  There are like more than 600's members in this group...I wonder how many members actually hook up with each other and make an effort to get to know each other either on a friendly level or maybe more on an intimate level?  I think that most of us single lesbians DO limit our options when we narrow our field to a group of particular traits like for example "feminine women only", "tall women only", or of a particular race.  For example if I just want to hook up with Asian feminine gay women only, I have pretty much limited my options significantly.  I am a pretty interesting and open-minded person and yet I do sometimes wonder why I am still single.  I am willing to make an effort here but only if someone out there is willing to make that same effort with me.  Dont let my age be a hinder because I do feel and think way younger than my age.  Remember, age is only relative!

I have never thought of myself as a "single lesbian", rather that i am single and yes my sexual preference is of the same sex which is one aspect of me, but its not the whole of me...to me being single i identify with myself more readily and sense of self is acutely aware...its when im in a relationship that i lose sense of self. and it becomes a challenge for me to remain true to me and not put myself on the back burner...so i guess my challenge would be to remain single until i find a woman that i can not only relate to, but still be myself in the process..(hope that makes sense?)

my biggest challenge is that I don't know which girls are lesbians. I like feminine women and it's not that easy to look at a girly girl and say "yeah she's gay". the last thing that I would want to do is offend someone. Also, a friend said to me the other day, that I don't 'look gay', i'm a feminine woman myself, so what am I supposed to look like, how should I dress (btw, I dress very classic business woman like, I work in a corp office. and the days that i'm not working I wear 'normal' clothes you know, like jeans, tee-shirts, skirts and just recently dresses). I'm starting to think that this could be the reason why I don't have a girlfriend...I don't know :-(

Hi loneweaver...

I relate to the trust comment.  For me, I trust too quickly...I suppose that I be may be called naive or perhaps stupid I am not sure which.  I try to be careful as I have done a lot of growing over the last two years of being single and I think of myself as a good judge of character...but I allow myself to open up easily to someone who I intuitively feel connected.  It costs me heartache but I suppose it will be worth it in the end.  Today, I described myself to a friend as starting to feel again.  It is corny...but I could not help but think of the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz...at the very end he says he knows now that he has a heart for he can feel it breaking....In reality...good to feel...my friend told me to be sure to have my oil can available so I don't rust (she was referring to my tears!)

I guess my message (finally!) is that everytime you try and take a chance, you will feel more comfortable.  You may only make small steps each time...maybe it will be a few more sentences before you feel the sinking feeling...but that will be a great accomplishment.  Start with  a topic you feel knowledgeable about...or start with something that your interest is knowledgeable about and let them tell you about that topic for a few minutes...you may be able to ask another question or make a connection with what she said that will carry you on to the next sentence or the next topic.  Pretty soon, you will be having a naturally flowing conversation...sharing a topic of interest for both of you. 

I am no where near being an expert...heck I only had one relationship for 28 years that ended 2 years ago and the recent adventure I spoke about.  But, leading up to today, the conversations flowed...and actually that is what was a strong attraction for me.

Hang in there...there is a difference between being alone and being lonely...learning to be alone is an important step to being able to be in partnership believe it or not.  Another topic for another thread.

flwrgardenlvr

Yeah, I think yaya and myself have the same problem. It's easy to strike up a conversation but keeping it going can be a bit rough. When I'm really interested in someone, I have a tendency to start to freeze up. I don't know what to say, to talk about in order to keep things lively. I'll laugh that nervous laugh and smile a lot. This is when I know I'm in deep doggie doo. That one moment has been lost and I'm on the Titanic....sinking fast. It's just so hard sometimes.

The other problem that I really have is "trust." I've always had that problem, stemming from childhood. To be albe to allow someone "into" my life is a lot harder than the conversation thing. I've tried it, only to have things that I've shared thrown back at me, used against me and I've ended up feeling like I was failure my parents always told me I'd be. I don't want to go through the pain again. I don't want to open up to someone that I think "might be the one," only to be struck down, humiliated and left in the dust. 

It's a big world out there but it's even bigger when you're going through it alone. I even have problems opening up, if just a little, to people who want to be/ try to be my friends. Talk about a double edged sword. It sucks!   

Hi peds_rn...I have become that independent woman...it actually has taken getting out of a very long term relationship in which the roles were so defined that I did not realize that I did have a voice and an ability to make decisions...good ones at that.  I appreciate the fact that I have established my own home, my own finances, my own choices...but I want to remain independednt in any new relationship.  I have worked hard to gain trust in myself.  But, there will always be room to share life with another...respecting the individuality yet establishing a partnership that will enhance each other's journey.  That is my hope for a future relationship. 

By the way, I am a pediatric nurse...always have been and always will be...it has been a great profession and terrific learning experience.

Well said Peds.  I hope you find someone like-minded, who shares your interests and remains independent as well.  It can definitely be a rough road to walk.

 

 

I think the biggest challenge as a single lesbian for me, is myself.....I have no problem talking to people but have major issues keeping a conversation going. Exspecialy if im really interested in someone.  Alot of the time i feel like the conversation is one way.  You ask an open ended question about someone and u get an abrupt answer.  Maybe its me?  I've been single for so long I don't think I know how date anymore.