Welcome to the group!

 I have to say it has been way too long since I have been through these posts.... I agree, what we think we know at best only gives us a better chance at guessing right when it comes to making choices about relationships.  I know for me, it has been an issue of what I want vs. what I need vs what God's plan is for me... very often I am left scratching my head at why things turn out the way they do.  I am still struggling with letting go of trying to control every aspect of my life... especially when it comes to relationships.  My heart goes one way, my head spins in circles and my attempts to fit people and emotions into little boxes always ends in non-productive outcomes.  At present, I am just trying to be, go with the flow, meet new people and just be guided through all of it, instead of paddling upstream...the phrase "let go and let God" is becoming my mantra for the most part.  It is all I can do at the moment...

 I hope others will join in....

Skimmed through some of your posts about relationships.  When I was younger, I thought I had a wealth of knowledge regarding relationships.  Most of it, of course, were more theoretical.  The older I get, the more I realize I don't know squat about relationships.  I discovered that there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to them.  I have had my fair share of failed relationships.  I wish I could say I have it all figured out by now but nothing could be farther from the truth.  

 On a different note, I'm glad to have found a group such as this one that I could hopefully be a part of.  I hope to interact with all of you at some point, and look forward to the wealth of knowledge that each of your lives represent and vice versa. 

I hope that all of the members of this group are finding what they need and want in their relationships.  I have been blessed to know several of you on a personal level, although I haven't met all of these in person.  I have to say that the relationships that we have cultivated here continue to affect my life in very positive ways and I wanted to say Thank you to all of those who have shared with me over the past year or so. 

Happy Thanksgiving to all and May God Bless your lives and guide your paths...

C

Ok, no bites on that one...

 How about maintaining long distance relationships?  Relationships where children are involved?  Relationships where outside family members cause issues? 

Just trying to get some discussion started...

OK, no comments on that...

How about this...

This comment has come about in some conversations with friends... why is it so common that once you start dating someone or even just go out with someone, if you go out with someone else the first person gets their feelings hurt.  Can lesbian women just have female friends or does every date get scrutinized as a potential relationship? 

Comments?

I wanted to turn this topic for a moment onto the relationship we "inherit" when we become involved in a relationship.  Have any of you found that you find a person who seems to be really interesting, you get into a serious relationship and then you "meet the rest of the family"  and things get even more interesting?

I think one of the things I have discovered is that the best relationships I have enjoyed have been when the parents, friends and family of the person I am with mesh well with my personality and are supportive of the relationship.  Now that is not to say that relationships can't work if there isn't the family backing.  It is just that in my experiences, having the support of relatives and friends or not can also be a deal breaker. 

Anyone else have similar feelings or experiences?

I completely understand where you are coming from.  I think the further I get from my previous relationship the clearer the picture becomes of what led to the separation and then breakup.  I also agree that only you know when you are ready... I think with each relationship you have you begin to understand more about you within a relationship and how you function as well as what you need and what you can give to a relationship.  I don't think it is a matter of what the other person brings, as you really can't control that aspect.  It is important to know if they are willing to work at the relationship or do they simply want something perfect from the get go... and if that works for you.

I think that all relationships take time to truly develop their "stride" and there will be stumbling involved until you both get in step with one another and that takes teamwork and patience.  I do think there are deal breakers and there should be somethings you won't tolerate, but that doesn't meant you aren't tolerant, especially while you are still learning about each other and how all the pieces of your relationship puzzle fit together.  Communication is critical, focused attention is critical, quality time is critical, like values are critical and a solid foundation of trust and faith are at the core of any relationship.  I think if you have these and are committed to these, then you are ready for a new relationship. 

Commenting on your questions: 

When are you ready for another relationshp? 

How long should you remain single, is there a minimum time?

I am interested in the answer to these questions myself.  This year my partner of 14 years left me for what I gather is "irreconcilable differences".  It has been difficult trying to figure out what the issues are because we have never really talked about it.  Trying to get to that point ends up in an argument.  So I know that communication has to be a number one priority.  I also know that I can't stay in my own little world.  I think it is an individual matter as to when one is ready for another relationship and it may take a few "wrong" relationships before we can find the "right" one.  I also think there has to be some initial attraction to begin with to even get started.  A friend of mine told me that she had a list of "must haves" and "must not haves" that she went over in her mind when starting a new relationship.  I think it's a good idea to understand yourself well enough that you can know what you need in a relationship and also what you have to give.  So when are you ready?  When you can say, Yes, I am. 

D

I am sure that there has to be some things that are absolutes or what others have called deal breakers...some are realized before commitments are made and some are discovered as the relationships mature.  I think too often people rush into relationships because of the feel good beginnings, the highs are very high and there usually aren't many lows...until the couple settles into a regular routine of living with each other or including each other in our lives you often don't discuss or discover some issues until further into a relationship.  Starting from a foundation of common faith is critical, building the other aspects of your relationship from this foundation is certainly the best way to go. 

Crusher,

I have come to a very hard learned concusion, that number 1, is first and foremost for in the Bible it mentions that we should not be unequally yoked with non-believers. For they will not have the same moral fortitude or value the same things as we would as Christians striving to be the best we can in following JESUS and HIS principals.  I believe that if both parties are believing that there is NO such thing as an irregconsileable difference that anything is possible to get through.

When Jesus gave the degree of divorsement it was for the hardness of mans heart which would also mean womens hearts. In Bible days once the couple was sexual they were bound to one another for life.  Over and over I read personals of length of relationships and they for the majority only last 4 to 6 years.  I put my self in that catogory too, and I say for me it was selfishness and unforgiveness of not wanting to accept the character defects of my X, which I didn't give my self the time to learn these things before jumping into the relatonship.  Which goes back to being unequally yoked.

I don't want another failure in my life, and it is so difficult to just meet women that believe the same way, without going online, or relocating to TX or AZ.

“It’s been said that it takes the first twenty or thirty years of our lives to accumulate the experiences and develop the patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that we spend the next thirty years trying to understand, unravel and in some instances, change.” A quote taken from the Lesbian Couples: A Guide to Creating Healthy Relationships by D. Merilee, PhD and G. Dorsey Green, PhD

As I recall, there’s five stages in the change/loss process.

1.       Denial

2.       Bargaining

3.       Anger

4.       Despair

5.       Acceptance

This process duration is unique to each of us and God will grant us strength during that time.

Your heart will let you know when you’re ready too!  

Life’s a learning experience…enjoy the ride!!

Ok, discussion question...

As most of us have been through the ringer once or twice, so to speak... I was wondering what steps should be taken to get our feet back on solid ground and what steps would you all recommend and in what order for anyone who is starting over....here are some questions to get this started... 

When are you ready for another relationshp? 

How long should you remain single, is there a minimum time?

What are some signs that a person might be good/ not good for you?

What happens if you meet someone who really wakes you up, how do you know you are ready to dive back into the "sea of love"?

  Thanks Hyer, I appreciate you picking up the slack, I knew you would know... I can't believe I forgot Acts of Service... DOH!

Augustgypsy,

The advice that Crusher gave you is exactly what I would recommend. You shouldn't have to "WIN" when referring to a relationship.  It is not a game nor a competition.  If a person wants to be with you...there should be no questions about it. 

The unfinished business that she wants to finish shouldn't be an excuse for her to contact the online woman. If the online woman contacts her then she will just let her know where she stands then. 

 You may be the best thing that ever happened to her but like Crusher said is "SHE" the best for "YOU"? You may feel you love her but is she good for you? (True love) never dies so ask yourself if the love you once felt and then went away and came back..is it really love or something else?

I know it's hard trying to see through all of the smoke but take some time and soul search. Don't sell yourself short, you deserve the best for yourself. Not saying that she's not the best but she seem as if she's in a place emotionally that isn't where you are at this present time.

I don't know if you've be following the thread but we've been discussing "Balance" in relationships.  Does your relationship reflect this?

Crusher did a great job in remembering the 5 love languages...just let me insert 4 and 5.

4. Words of affirmation =   positive validations, uphold, uplift, confirm.

5. Acts of Service = doing things for your mate.

As Crusher explained.  We all have a love language that makes us feel loved, as a result we usually feel this is what will make another feel loved and we proceed in doing those things.  However, if the other persons love language is different then yours, you should find out what it is that makes the other feel loved and do that for them.

I hope this helps!

Soulpeace!  Ev