This was originally posted by Sexual Chocolate on the community forum.

I AM CURRENTLY DATING A WOMAN WHO HAS A KID AND IT IS VERY HARD, BECAUSE THE BIOLOGICAL MOTHER HAS SO MANY RULES ABOUT WHO, WHEN, WHAT, HOW WHEN IT COMES TO ME BECAUSE I AM THE NEW GIRLFRIEND. MY GIRL AND HER SON'S MOTHER ARE NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE.I WANT TO SAY THAT YOUR STORIES ARE REALLY AN INSIPRATION TO ME, ALL OF THE STORIES. IT GIVES ME HOPE. I AM NOT TO BE A PARENT TO HIM, I JUST DON'T WANT HIS MOTHER TO USE THEIR SON AS A PAWN HER (MY GIRL). I AM GOING TO BELIEVE THAT ONE DAY I WILL HAVE A STORY TO TELL LIKE JANICE AND KATHY.I AM NOT EXPECTING HIM TO CALL ME MOTHER, I JUST WANT HIS BIOLOGICAL MOTHER TO KNOW THAT I HAVE LOVE TO GIVE TO THAT LITTLE BOY.THE MORE LOVE HE HAS IN HIS LIFE THE BETTER

This was originally posted by Mel and Tonja on the community forum.

I think every family is different, and the age of the children makes a huge difference. When T and I got together, her kids were 9 and 15. We got along wonderfully from the very beginning. They have accepted discipline from me, just as if it was coming from their biological mother, but there have been a few things that I think has made that possible. One is that Tonja and I have been reasonably compatible with our parenting beliefs. I am a little harder on them than she is, but such is the case in most families. Secondly, I have applied what I like to call "Melanie's all or none principle". I was not just there handing out discipline. I was also spending time with them, helping financially, attending school meetings and events, helping with homework, making dance cotumes and anything else that needed to be done. I think this has been what has kept them from resenting me. They know I am there for the long haul, that I love them as if they were mine, and that I want what's best for them and do everything I can to make sure that happens. The oldest one, now 24, calls me Mom. The youngest, now 17, calls me other Mother. I also think it makes a huge difference that their father has been absent alot, and when he is around, he is less than supportive. You just have to find what works for you.

This was originally posted by Janice & Kathy on the community forum.

I had to share this with you because it amused me so. Yesterday morning I rec'd a text message from Josh. the exchange of messages went like this:

Josh - "U know how u said you love me and im always welcome in ur house and ud love to give me a ride home from the bus station..."

Kathy - "Yes..."

J - "my ticket says a really bad time..."

K - "lol how bad"

J - "3 in the morning"

K - "Ooooo have a nice walk! ... just kidding see ya at 3am! :-)"

K - "we ARE talking paso right?"

J - "yeppers!"

he is only going to be home for 3 days but we have not seen him since Christmas so we are all ready. I think it is pretty funny that he sent me the text's because he knows his mom doesn't do text messages and doesn't drive well at night soooo, Kathy to the rescue! (a side note, we live about 1/2 hour from town so, I was back in bed by 4)

So here I am at the computer on a Saturday morning and my "little" Marine is fast asleep in his bed. Life is good!
k

This was originally posted by Janice & Kathy on the community forum.

I wanted to add my 2 cents here since Janice's boys have been a huge part of our lives. When Janice and I got together, the boys were 4 and 6 years old. I had never been around small children, especially 2 rowdy, wrestling boys. I was totally unprepared. Janice was going thru a very nasty divorce and was also dealing with the idea that she was gay (something that had not occurred to her before we met. -See "HOW WE MET" thread-page 1) I helped out around the house but was not involved in many of the parenting issues. Soon after we moved in together though, she started a job that required she leave much earlier than I and worked many Saturdays. That left me with kid detail.

I offer a small story to illustrate my lack of skills. The boys and I were standing in line in Wal-Mart one Saturday and they were bouncing off each other and the walls as small boys will do. I was at my wit's end. Having trained many dogs in my life, I drew upon the only skill set I possessed. I spun around and in my best "command" voice I bellowed "DOWN!"... "STAY!" Both boys hit the deck and looked up at me in amazed surprise. It was only then did I realize that it had worked and I started to hear the other mothers behind me chuckling. For many years after that (long after they were too old for it to be truly effective), any time they became unruly in public, I would say..."Do I have to put you on a 'down, stay'?" And they would look up at me with that look of "you have GOT to be kidding” but they would stop acting up and behave.

Driving them to school fell on me and we played a game every morning, they would have to come up with a topic or question to try to stump me with. Usually how things are made or work.

Over the years, I became more and more, just another parent to them. They knew what questions to ask Mom, Dad or Kathy. One of my proudest moments came one day when I over heard Josh on the phone to one of his friends say "My mom ..." and I realized he was talking about me!

I agree with most of the comments here about earning the respect, not demanding it. I love Janice's boys as if the were my own and I know that they feel the same way about me. But it did not happen automatically. It evolved over many years.

Josh is now serving in the US Marines and I couldn't be more proud of the man he has become. Travis is a junior in HS and is collage bound, probably on a cross country running scholarship (he even asks me for suggestions to surprise his girl for her birthday). Both boys have good head's on their shoulders and great hearts. I love them dearly. And no one is more surprised than me!

This was originally posted by DonnaLou on the community forum.

Christina,
This is coming from my heart..so please take what you need, and don't be offended by it...I only wish to help.
I have two amazing kids, 19 and 14 who are the absolute light of my life. They have been so resilient through some of life's hardest battles. First their dad left for another woman after many years of abusing me. Then he got killed in an accident. Then to top it all off, I came out to them and the rest of the family when they were fairly young. They stood beside/behind me the whole time.
My ex came into their lives when they were 10 and 14. We had firmly established rules and rituals within our little family. All I really needed was someone to support me and be my partner. She, instead thought that parenting my children would be more beneficial. She attempted to change everything we were happy with and used to. This eventually, after much arguing and tears, became the demise of our relationship. The kids resented her, and were ready for our relationship to end. I hated it coming to that bitter end...but I had no choice. Eventually, my son gave me an ultimatum that changed my life.."either she leaves, or I will".
If she had only listened when I begged her to butt out, and support ME...who knows where I might be today. But I have met someone who gets it now. She is SOOOOO great. She steps back and allows me to have room with my kids. She is there for them...but not as a "parent figure"...she is mom's girlfriend...and she makes mom smile! They love her to death!! (plus they tell her things that I might not find out otherwise...because they trust her)
Thanks for listening.

This was originally posted by Sue from PA on the community forum.

Christina,

Just to put my 2 cents in here, when my partner and I got together, my children were 9 and 11. My children resented her telling them anything, even if the advice was good. So I disciplined the children, she stayed quiet, and we talked in private often about parenting. She was such a support and would observe things that I could not see, things she may have disagreed with. I was open to her suggestions and comments, which made me a better parent, and I felt that I was very blessed to have her by my side, supporting me. --Hope this helps--

Sue

This was originally posted by stephensmom on the community forum.

Hi Christina - My partner of 28 years and I got together when I was 18 and she had 3 children, ages 15,12 and 9. I experienced some of what cashba did and, looking back, I realize that sometimes I was VERY childish. Nevertheless, I have generaly been wise enough to stay away from any real "parenting" and have always worked to be friends with her kids, steering clear of family disputes or arguments. Another thing I always tried to be was a good "hostess" when they were with us.
I have always listened and strived to support her decisions regarding her children (or any other member of her family) without commenting or giving advice, after all it is her family and its not really about me at all. Over the years I have had to accept some situations that did not make me all that happy, but every relationship requires choices, tolerance and compromise.
We have good relationships with her children and grandchildren now and one of my proudest moments was when her grown daughter told me that she admired how I had never gotten into their family "stuff" and she appreciated how I had been through the years.

Good Luck!!
Suzanne

This was originally posted by Bev and Susan on the community forum.

Mary Hennessy, VERY well said. Susan

This was originally posted by Mary Hennessy on the community forum.

Christina,
I'm a therapist who has done a lot of couple counseling. Your instinct about not being the kids' third parent is correct. Gay or straight blended families do best when the step-parent steers clear of meting out discipline. You can certainly support your partner in private. I hope you two are supporting each other in these challenging roles.

This was originally posted by cashba on the community forum.

I wonder your age Christina and level of maturity, not because I question you personally, but because of my own experience. I got together with my gf at the age of 26. She had a 4 year old son. It was really hard for me to accept that I would not be number one in her life. I sometimes acted immature and selfish about that. Plus, I had a really hard time accepting the ex-husband involved. Needless to say, it was very difficult and became the reason for many arguments. I also, did not agree with her parental style.

On the brighter side we were together for 17 years, having just separated. Alot of years of arguing caught up, but it's not completely over. We're working through that now, and time will tell.

I guess your question depends on the individuals involved. There are no patent answers.

This was originally posted by Bev and Susan on the community forum.

Hi Christina. Welcome to the Olivia forum! I dated my ex for 5 yrs.. from the time my youngest was 12 until she was a senior in high school. My son was 2 yrs older. It was VERY difficult because she always wanted it to be her way or no way. If I didn't agree with the way her thinking was with raising the kids, it became a HUGE argument. She was not meant to be a parent. Funny, because she couldn't wait for my kids to graduate and go off to college, but then she left me for a married woman from her work that had a 2 yr old! Anyway, back to your situation, Christina. How old are they? Depending on their ages, you'd be better off being their friend and NOT a parent figure. For me, I wish I hadn't let my ex have so much say in their discipline, day to day stuff, etc. I think at the time my kids resented that. My ex hubby and I are the best of friends and he was very involved in raising them after our divorce. She didn't like that. My partner now I had known and was friends with for over 11 years before we started dating 2 and a half years ago. She always says she waited until my kids were in college before she'd ask me out!! She never wanted to be a parent. They are living with us during the summer months while they are out of college. My daughter is actually working in her office as a receptionist for the summer. She is more a friend to them than anything else. Although Lindsay did give her a Mother's Day card and gift! She may not agree with things they have done or do in the choices they make at times, but she voices that to ME, not to them. My opinion, since you say the kids are older, be a friend to your partner's kids, not their parent. Just my 2 cents from my experience! Susan

This was originally posted by Deanna on the community forum.

Hi Christina. I am a single parent with 2 teenage boys. I've always said that I don't want to date anyone with kids because mine are definately enough! They take alot of energy. IT is sometimes hard to find people that are willing to date a parent. But I can say, that is sometimes nice to have someone else in your court, to lean on if you need to. Have you tried talking to your GF and seeing how she feels?

This was originally posted by ChristinaC on the community forum.

Does anyone have any thoughts, feelings, comments, suggestions on this topic?
I have been dating my GF for 1 1/2 years and she has 3 older children. All three are wonderful and I love them like they are my own, but the last thing they need is a third parent. I try to stay out of things knowing it is none of my business, but I also do not want my partner to feel she is alone in everything either. Sometimes I just feel I am caught in the middle.