Hey Ya'll
Wow, this is nerve-wracking even to be writing this now, but this seems like the best forum to bring this topic up.
I've been (spoken openly) in my personal life about being bisexual, sorry-the dreaded word-but when I think of myself, I feel like I am.
My problem is...well it's two-sided.
1.) I have a had some run-ins with men,
Molested at 11 and grey-raped at 19, and I'm finally coming to terms that my illusionious great father, was a terrible husband. (After his passing, the capital T truth comes out my father's personal and fininecial dealings, and the state my family is in makes question the very base of my love for him.)
But all the same, it's come to the point that I've come to disrespect the idea of men so much, I joke now: "Goddamn it, I don't even want sons!" Which is weird, because I do want to get married (to a man) and have children.
But the worst thing about all this, is that last tuesday, I turned 25 and realized that I've passed through the first quarter-century of my life with no relationships-ever. I've actually never been on a date. I've come to this milestone, realizing my fault it situation and have decided to make necessary changes of putting myself out there-despite the fear and anxiety it causes me. This leads me to my second problem though,
2.)How do I know if this is real?
I do have the common story of playing 'mommy and daddy' for years with a female family friend, and the memory of being the one in 7th grade, at a 7th-day Adventist School, asking the 'sex-ed' speaker: "what does it mean when I see a girl in the street and thinking 'wow, she's pretty?'"
I think the base of my fears is, I desperately don't want to hurt someone, because I know what pain does to the human soul, and I too, don't want to be hurt. But these feelings inside--I can't reconcile them.
I'm sorry, I feel like I'm rambling, but I would like advice on how to proceed.
Thanks