I say that it's different to know and understand something.  I knew the *secret* about me when I was a young child.  I know that I was born this way - not that this way is a bad way, it's a blessing in my life.  I just didn't understand it until later in life. 

My teenage years were dreary because I was mourning over the loss of my first love whom I didn't think of in that way.  I just wondered why had she evolved so much and I hadn't because she became very interested in boys and i was very not!  I knew what was different about me and I kept that knowing well into my adult years, but I say that I didn't understand because I kept trying to have these successful long-term heterosexual relationships.  I kept trying to find the model that my Granparents, aunt and uncle had given us of a strong family and a put-together woman.  I forced myself into this ideal and kept trying.  I have an uncle who caught on quick when i was around 18 or 19.  I have always found a way to end a relationship with a guy before it became too serious! 

I think that coming out and understanding who you are should encompass more than coming to grips with your orientation but the whole package because that's what you are presenting.  I think if I were to just come out about my orientation then I'm forcing myself into another ideal.  What about the rest of me... that should *come out* as a complete package.   

The only thing I cannot understand about our sisterhood is how and why it takes so long for some people to know.  I KNEW from very early on, I can understand not knowing until you are in your early to mid 20's and looking back over your life and going 'ahhh!'  How people don't know for decades and decades is beyond me.  I hope to understand this about others because that can only enlighten my experience.  I do think some people choose the lifestyle because of being fed up with being broken hearted in relationships with the opposite gender.  I don't think that constitutes as being Gay, I think it's more of an argument for being t-d off a/or fed up.

Oh, and to go back to my point.. understanding is having full knowledge of who you are and what it means and where it's taking you.  I have the understanding now and am on a journey not of enlightenment because that's where the understanding comes in, but of inclusion.  Taking myself out of the wrong container - hetero and putting myself, my life into the right container.  I think that's where everyone is who is in this group.  Coming out and finding where we fit or completing that part of our journey. 

my name is cj and my wifes name is monique,we have been together for a little over 8 months,she was with a young man for a couple of years,ofcaurse they had little hunter when they were first dating.my wife stayed for a couple of years with this man but for hunter for years and finally just said goodbye,because the whole factor is is that her mother is gay too! mo,didnt want to be known also as the gay daughter so she tried for years not to be branded as the daughter who was also gay along with her mother,people would just assume well if her moms gay then she must be,mo didnt want that but in returned was truly gay herself.so for years mo had to prove to the world and her family that she was not gay but indeed was,and she was miserable with every guy she was ever with.now 8 mths later and happly married wih our little boy hunter things couldnt be happier with us. hunter knows he has a two mommies and a daddy,and no the father kinda hates it.telling our son false info about gay couples being married and being able to raise a child,when in fact his father is a louse to us but is great most of the time to hunter.anyways all i can really say is your daughter will understand,as long as she knows that for one no one will take the place of her father and that that her daughter will always be number one to her.having had to deal with this first hand its not easy at first but it does get easier,my hunter is five now and totally calls me mommy too,we all love him and he is raised better then most kids now a days are!

I understand, my mother still is not excepting of my lifestyle and that's ok but she knows that should the day ever come and it will when I bring someone around the family she must be respectful. She quoted me scriptures of what the bible says, I grew up in the church so I'm aware of what it says. I'm gonna tell you like I told her " you don't have to like what I do but you will RESPECT ME". You should tell her instead of her finding it out, that was why I told my mother because people around her knew and out of respect. Even though I knew how she would react I don't regret the fact that she knows, No more biting your tongue or sneaking around once it's out it's out and no more closets. You'll finally be able to breathe. Truth be told no one matters accept you partner. I can't tell you what to do but it was like a load lifted and I haven't looked back. People are like seasons they change your mother included. Stay hopeful sweetie and I wish you well.
 

Neither of us has kids yet. But we definetly want them. Without a doubt. She's struggling in different ways than I am.  We will be together regardless of what happens.  I have hinted to my mom--"We want to adopt" "We're gonna move away together" "We're going on vacation". Everyone knows we're tight, but after all these clues--she's just in denial!!!! Who wants to adopt/have children with their best friend, if something isn't going on?????? My mom is very strong minded and difficult to argue with.  I am just as happy not telling her as I would be telling her. Neither of us want to argue with her about what's right and wrong and what the Bible says. We know what it says, I just want happiness and we don't have to explan that to anyone!!!!!!!

I know how you feel in a way. I have only ever loved one man and that's my daughter 's father we were together for 8 yrs from age 16 to 24 , however I always had a girlfriend too. I'll put it to you like this if she makes you happy I mean genuinely happy go for it. Sometimes you have to let  go of  what you think others might say and think of you. I lived a lie for a number of years. I always kept men around so no one would ask me ?'s about me. I always did what was expected of me but I wasn't  happy. Your happiness is everything it's what keeps you sane. I was out to people who I met either in college or that I've met since I've been grown. Now I'm out to everyone. Now I'm gonna tell you, not everyone is going to be happy and excepting of your new relationship, but demand respect for yourself and for her. You mentioned that you have kids, I have a daughter who has never been around anyone I've  dated men when I had them or women now. I would think in that respect your children know your partner and though they wouldn't completely understand your relationship I'm sure when given time they will be happy because you'll be happy. It's not going to be easy regardless of whatever decision you make, but I hope you'll do what is best for you and her.   

Hello all-

Here's the situation...I am in love with a woman. She's my best friend. We were friends b4 any of this started. Both of were in relationships with men. These are the facts: neither one of us is willing to give up this relationship.  We rely on each other sooooo much.  I know I love her.  We had considered ending this relationship because of the impact it would have on our families and careers. We can't bring ourselves to do it. I am afraid how this would impact my family and hers, both of which are highly religous.  We want to have a family and bulid a life together.  All of this is sooo damn confusing, especially when you dated men b4.  I know i can't possibly see myself with anyone else than her. She's so beautiful, talented, and just plain 'ole down to earth chick. We are planning to go on turks and caicos va-k, in oct '08, and have the committment ceremony. All this is so hard, especially when your family, who thinks your straight will ask you "where'd you get the ring"?  I guess im just rambling. Someone please give me some advice!!!!!!!!

 

I agree that you should find yourself before moving so that her life doesn't become yours. You've heard the term " you complete me" as beautiful as that sounds it's not possible in my opinion. I feel you have to complete yourself and have someone to compliment you. Have a life of your own and just share hers. I made that mistake one time where someone else's life consumed mine and it wasn't a good feeling when that ended. I lived a number of years for this person and I thought I could love and live for the both of us and in the end I was't loved and appreciated enough. It became apparent when seeing the other person in the street w/ someone else. I'm not at all saying that this will happen to you, I'm jsut saying be careful. Love is a strong thing that makes most of us do things good and bad, smart and stupid but that is the fun of it. I hate that term "going through a phase" or that other one "when did you turn gay". I wish I could shoot them all like you just were walking one day and it hit you I'm gay. Only you know what your life is supposed to be and only you can live it. It sounds like it to me that you've made your choice and it seems to be the right one for you. I know about Southern Baptists for I am  southern girl w/ a mother like that. My daughter is 7 and will be 8 in a couple of weeks she recently asked me ?'s about me and other women. I didn't know what to do but tell her the truth. I don't think she understands yet but in time I'll further expain it. I sometimes wish that I had come out while she was a baby or even a little younger than she is now to make it easier on me take the punk way out. Not my reality and will deal w/it in time when she's ready. Your son will be fine so don't worry and be thankful for your daughter's support. Congrats and welcome to the gayborhood.         

Welcome to the life FRESH_41, I say better late than never. Be careful if this is your first time out. I'm sure all of us remember our first time and everything that happened especially how we felt. I read your poem interesting I must say. I'm happy for you and your new found friend. I hope you get out of it everything that you need to and much more great sex.. I'm sure all that you've gone through has made you the beautiful woman you are as all experiences good or bad do. I'm happy for you again. 

 Penn name: Fresh_41

 

 

Hello, I am Tina. I am a black woamn who was married for 25 years. My story is one that it took me growing a little inside to know myself. I am as you guess new to the life. I was married at age 17, became a mom and a wife. I am the oldest of four girls and I never was much of a talker. I was a troubled teen and had tried to kill myself at age 16. This guy came along and I latched on to him. I looked to him for my self worth and my need to be alive. I have forur kids all of which are grown.

     I often wondered why when i would maturbate I thought about other womwn. I never thought about my husband. I always imagined how it would feel. I never got from sex what I needed from him. But then again I was too young to know what I wanted. I recently joined a singles dite and meet someone. We spoke for a while and she came to meet me. This was a shocker for me. That day was the first of what I know will be many. hen I saw her I just wanted to touch her and I did. Her smile was warm and her laugh well, we made plans to get together and we did. It was the most incredible sex I ever had. It was more than I could ever have imagined.

  Woman have a unique knack for loving each other and that is a wonderful thang! I would have never thought in a million years that I would feel this way. Loving her seemed so natural and I wanted to touch her, kiss her, make her happy. I ask her I remember to teach me how. As you can tell I have been blown away.

  I am in the process of walking away from my old life for the the one that I know I fit into. I did a lot of soul searching and made sure that it was not just a whim. My body mind and soul wants her. I know I can never be with a man again. This is difficult for me. My kids may not understand but I know in time they will. My family is open and for that I am greatful. I have a sister that is in the life and I have her support as I start my own journey. I look forward to talking with you guys again.

Lots of love and respect,

Tina

Hello everyone! This is an interesting subject and one that i love to hear about. I was 46 yrs old, married for 25 yrs, when i met and fell in love with a woman. To say it "knocked my socks off" is an understatement! It's been 5 years since that time - i've come out to my family and my closest friends. But others (my co-workers) would be shocked if they knew the "truth". The relationship i have with M is a long distance one - we live about 250 miles apart and travel back and forth as many weekends as we can, but it's tough. I think in the beginning i felt i needed to find out who i was, so to speak, and learn to live on my own, making my own decisions. My married life was very traditional and i was married to a man who was 17 years older than i was. He was probably more of a father figure to me, but he was also a really good guy who trusted me and didn't even know what hit him. Being with a woman has been very liberating and i wouldn't go back for anything (although in some (public) ways it's more difficult being in a same sex relationship- i'm used to being very open) I've had a difficult time with my own family. They still think it's a phase i'm going through and one day i'll wake up, see the light, and find another man! My children, ages 29 and 25 are slowly coming around. My daughter has been really great, my son a little slower to accept. Unfortunately, i was not one of those moms who taught my children to think openly and be accepting. I was raised in a very Southern Baptist background and sadly, it taught me to be quite "fundamental" in my belief system. I'm happy to say i've come around on that issue, but it was really difficult on me and those who knew me for my 46 "past" years! Since my "conversion" my children have had to grapple with a different mom than they thought they knew and i've had to deal with the guilt that sometimes takes hold and won't let go. All in all, it's a good life and i'm happy in it. I think eventually i may move to the Portland area, where M, and my son are. It's a very accepting area, much like Seattle is, and easier to live the lifestyle i want to live. I still struggle with the need to be my own person, however and don't want to get sucked into "her" life and lose my own. Each day is a learning experience, isn't it? Thanks for all your posts - i think it helps to talk with others who have gone through it before - you know you're not alone!!

Good luck w/ that and thanks.

I felt like I didn't have a choice. The few people that knew I had incidents where the topic came up around people who didn't know. A freind of mine told me that if I were going to come out I should come all the way out so that I wouldn't still be lying and having to hide still from other people. I had to worry about who knew and who didn't  and would it get out. I thought about it and made my decision and I have few regrets. This was what worked for me I know everyone situation is different and you must deal w/it as they themselves feel comfortable.   

Yes I have. Though never w/o having a man in the picture for family sake. It's been a while though would like to be in one now. The women always knew why I had a man in the picture and understood. Now that I've grown tired of living my life for other people I'm very much interested in what it would be like to be date and date freely.