It’s just before bedtime. We’ve just finished reading and Sophie, who’s going into 4th grade, is drifting off to sleep.  But then, out pops the question, “Mom, what’s a lesbian?”

I answer, “It means the same thing as gay, only it applies to two women.”  Sophie knows what gay is. She’s just marched in the Pride Parade several times and we’ve belonged to a “Rainbow Families” group of gay and lesbian parents since she was born. “That’s what I thought,” she says.  “Why do you ask?” I continue. 

And then the real conversation begins.  “Well…yesterday at camp, Grace called me and Lauren ‘lesbians,’ and then she said she wanted to be a lesbian, and then she said that she didn’t and she started calling us ‘lesbians’ in a tone of voice that wasn’t very nice. And it made me feel bad because you and Mama are lesbians and I don’t think Grace should call us lesbians that way.”  

“I see,” I say and start to deconstruct this incident.  “First off, you know that because Mama and I are lesbians, that doesn’t make you one.”  “Yes,” Sophie says. “I could get married, I could be single, or I could be a lesbian.”  “Right,” I confirm.  “But you’re only 9 and you don’t have to decide this yet.”
“Okay,” she agrees.

But back to Grace. “When someone says something that is insensitive or mean, what do you think you should do about it?” I ask.  “Walk away,” Sophie answers.  “That’s an okay thing to do in the moment, but don’t you think it might be a good idea to talk to Grace and let her know how she made you feel.  That way she can learn not to call kids names, like lesbian or gay.”

Sophie agrees to “talk it out” with Grace.  When I tell my partner this story, she circles back with Sophie the next day to see if they had the conversation. “No, Grace had a fever and didn’t come to camp,” Sophie reports.  My partner takes the opportunity to tell Sophie that some of her friends or even she might someday identify themselves as lesbian or gay. And that it’s important that everyone feels safe being who they are. “And no matter what you choose,” she reassures Sophie, “you know that Mama and I will always love you and respect your choices.” 

“I know that,” Sophie says.